Am I Mad?
by SirVacuumThe3rd
Summary: Sherlock's mind on a good day is brilliant and amazing, always impressing John. On bad days, everything spirals down into chaos, arguing, war, and havoc. And John notices.


"-and they say that they caught him under the bridge down by the park." John said, Sherlock just going back to the conversation. He sighed as they kept walking through the park. _Too many people. Too much stupidity in one place,_ he thought sourly to himself.

"Sherlock?" John said, turning to him. "Are you even listening?"

"Yes, yes. They caught him under the bridge." Sherlock said dismissively with a wave of his hand.

"And what happened before that?"

Sherlock was quiet, looking away from John.

"Exactly. What's got you bothered now?" He asked Sherlock.

_Does something have to be bothering me for me not to pay attention?_

"Nothing."

"Sherlock."

_Fine, always John who's able to get me to talk. I should find out why. But how would I do it? I would have to-_

"Sherlock!" John said, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards him, out of the way of a bicycle rider. He stumbled onto the grass as the person rode pass them. "Careful." John said, letting go of Sherlock and continuing to walk down the path.

**Tsk, tsk, Sherlock.** Sherlock thought to himself. **You've forgotten to stay halfway focused. For a genius, it shouldn't be too hard.**

_Shut up! _

**Why? Scared I'm right?**

_That's not physically possible, Brain. One half of me will always be right. _

**Really?**

_Shove off._

"You're doing it again."

"Hmmm?"

"You're not listening, you've gone about into your head." John smiled tightly at him, his eyes slowly losing the happiness they had earlier.

"No I haven't."

"Of course not, you'd never." He sighed. "Have you even noticed what a beautiful day it is?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"I've noticed how you're not wearing a jumper because it's warmer outside."

"And yet you still continue to wear that obnoxious scarf."

"Yes."

_I like my scarf. It's nice._

**Really, Sherlock? A scarf? Even ****_you_**** know it's too hot for a normal person to wear it, but you? When was the past time you ate or slept?**

_Shut it._

Sherlock carefully unwrapped his blue scarf, his long fingers winding it up and putting it in his coat pocket. He breathed out a shaky breath as he felt John's dubious gaze.

John was quiet, staring at Sherlock's exceedingly pale neck as he wondered why he had taken it off.

_Happy, Brain? _

**Hahaha, it depends. Are you?**

_Isn't that the same thing?_

**You're the genius, you tell me. By the way, I think John's about to start talking. Might want to pay attention. **

John looked away from Sherlock, his gaze landing on a bench near a tiny pond. "Wanna go over there and sit down?"

_No. Not really. I have far more interesting things to do. _

**Like what?**

_..._

**Exactly. You've got nothing better to do. So why don't you play nice because you do actually ****_like_**** John.**

"Sure." Sherlock agreed, walking over to the bench. John sat down as Sherlock shrugged off his coat, hanging it on the back before sitting down.

"Sherlock? Taking off his coat? It must be the apocalypse." John said incredulously, a big smile on his face.

"Oh, shove off."

John laughed at Sherlock's expression, the whole situation making him laugh. "Any clue-" he got out before laughing again. He smiled again, leaning on Sherlock subconsciously as he held onto his stomach.

_Why is he leaning on me?!_

**Take a guess, idiot. **

_Shut up! I'm not an idiot! I have more important things to worry about!_

**Like what?**

_Like John!_

**So what about him?**

_He's making me feel funny! My head's a mess and my stomach's all fluttery!_

**Sissy. **

_Shut up!_

**Why? You're a ****_genius._**** You know exactly what your feeling. **

_I said,_

"SHUT UP!"

"Sherlock?" John said, quickly turning to see Sherlock grabbing his head with a pained look on his face. "Are you okay?"

Sherlock jerked up, quickly looking around him. He looked at John with a confused look, one John doesn't see often at all. He slowly lowered his hands, not remembering how they got to their position of pulling on his hair.

"...yes." He straightened up. "I'm fine." He said blankly, looking at John.

"Then why did you yell 'shut up!' really loud at me? I mean, hey, that's alright in the flat, but some mother just ran off with her child when she heard you. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," Sherlock sighed and closed his eyes. "I'm fine."

**Says who? **

_Me. _

**You? I think you've started going off your rocker. You've gone mad, Sherlock, absolutely mad. **

_No, I have not! _

**You're yelling in a park. Do you know for sure if you're not talking aloud right now?**

Sherlock glanced up to see John still looking at him with concern. He sighed and shook his head. "No, John. I'm not okay."

"Okay," John said calmly, carefully watching Sherlock. "Explain more."

**Here comes sweet John to the rescue! Will he notice you're mad?**

_Shut up, Brain! _

**Why? It's so much ****_fun_**** to mess with you! Besides, I like seeing you all frazzled.**

_I'm not frazzled!_

**Yes you are. Want to know why?**

_No. _

**Well, I'll tell you anyways. It because you ****_like_**** John. He actually makes you ****_feel_**** something.**

"...I...I can't tell if I'm...talking out loud or not." He ran a hand through his hair. "I can't..."

**Aww! Look at you! You're just ****_crumbling._**

_Ugh..._

**Do you feel bad? Can you feel your strong walls falling? Can you hear the crash? Can you feel your cold exterior melting? Do you hear yourself screaming?**

"Sherlock?" John stood up, holding out his hand. "C'mon, I'm taking you home." He grabbed Sherlock's arms and pulled him up, wrapping his coat around him tightly and putting on his scarf. "Good?" He asked.

"Good." Sherlock replied absentmindedly as a war raged on in his head.

_SHUT UP! I'M FINE! _

**Then why did you insist on yelling at me? Or more so-at yourself? Because, it seems to me, that you're still falling backwards. Down that deep, dark hole inside of yourself that you can't escape. And you, ****_you_**** can't stop.**

_Piss off! I'm not falling!_

**Okay, you just keep telling yourself that. But, are you still with your precious John? **

_Of course, he's always with me. Where else would I be?_

"_Sherlock!_" John yelled from above him, dropping to his knees in front of him.

Sherlock's vision kept swimming in front of his eyes, the cold ground pressed against his cheek. He felt the mud in his hair and the grass itching his face; how'd he get here?

"Sherlock, I need you to focus on me. Okay?" He heard John say, his eyes suddenly assaulted with a bright light. He shut them tightly; the pain stung.

"Sherlock," John reprimanded. "I need you to keep your eyes open." Sherlock sighed and opened his eyes reluctantly, letting John help him. He watched as four Johns shone four lights into his eyes. He tried to keep focusing, but even _one_ John was hard to focus on.

"Focus." John said calmly, propping Sherlock up.

**Hear that? He said 'focus', I suggest you do. Remember what happens when you don't? **

_..._

**Exactly. You wake up without a clue, and you ****_hate_**** that, don't you? You ****_love_**** your precious information. **

"John," Sherlock mumbled, spitting out some grass. He leaned back on his arms, wiping one hand across his muddied face. "Take me home."

* * *

"Hey," came a soft voice from above him as a warm hand shook his shoulder. "It's time to wake up, Sherlock."

"Mmmmm..." Sherlock said, burying his head into his pillow more. "I don't want to."

"I know, but I have to wake you up just in case."

**Just in case you have a concussion. **

_I know that. That's why I'm getting up. _

**I actually think it's sweet how he cares about you. I mean, he actually isn't ****_repulsed_**** by you. It's a miracle.**

"Okay, okay. I'm up." Sherlock grumbled, slowly sitting up in his bed. "What time is it?"

"2:30 am." John pulled out his tiny light and shone it in Sherlock's eyes. "Now follow the light."

"You didn't have to stay up." Sherlock said quietly, a feeling of guilt spreading through him.

_What is this?! Why do I feel bad?_

**Idiot. You're. An. Idiot. **

_Shut it! I'm a genius!_

**And you haven't figured out what guilt feels like yet?**

_I haven't had the need! I don't care about anyone!_

**Except for John.**

"Yes I did." John said, tucking away his light and looking at him. "You seem fine to me. No head injury, you must've just passed out randomly for no reason." He stood up. "Though I wouldn't say no to you eating and sleeping more."

"I know, it's just that-" Sherlock yawned and closed his eyes, spreading his arms wide. "-I've got far better things to do."

"Course." John said with a smile, laughing at his flatmate for yawning in the middle of that sentence. He walked over to the chair he had dragged in from the kitchen, the wooden brown one used for the table, and sat down. He picked up the book he was reading and set the alarm on his watch for another two hours.

Sherlock looked at him sitting across the room. _That seat must be very uncomfortable. _

**Must be?**

_Fine. It is. I've sat in there for hours, and it really pulls something on you. _

**Are you starting to fweel bad for pwoor wittle John? **

_No. _

**Really?**

_...Yes. I am. I don't have a head injury, so why does he insist on staying awake?_

**Think it through, Holmes. **

_We've already eliminated the fact of a head injury, so that means its either because I have some other injury that needs to be watched or because he actually _wants_ to stay and make sure I'm okay. _

**Keep going. **

_Well, I've checked myself over and I believe I have no ailments. Worse off is dehydration and sleep deprivation. And I know John always worries about these, so it wouldn't be any different tonight. _

**You're mad! That's why!**

_Shut up, I'm thinking. So if I have no injury that is of potential harm, is he here because he wants to be? He must be. He hasn't left and he hasn't complained. But he should!_

**Why? He's not as smart as you. He's nice, and actually ****_cares_**** about people, unlike ****_you._**

_Why do you have to be such a twat?!_

**Why do have to have feelings for him?!**

"John?" Sherlock said, watching John look up from his book. "Do you want to..." He looked at him, a frustrated look on his face as he tried to form his thoughts into a sentence. "Do you want to sit on the bed?" He asked John, who looked taken aback, his eyes widening slightly.

"No!" Sherlock said quickly. "That's not what I meant! It's just that that chair is so uncomfortable, you're sitting in it like its no big problem, and I don't even need you here medically, and-"

"Sure." John said, smiling slightly at Sherlock's flustered state. He got out of the chair and walked over to Sherlock's bed, stopping when he reached the edge.

"You sure?" John asked, the look on his face showing that he was still iffy about the situation. "You've had a good fall, and you've been acting odd. Trust me, I won't feel bad if you just want me to go, Sherlock."

"No." Sherlock said firmly. "I want you here."

**Sherlock and John, sitting in a tree.**

_Really?!_

**K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes-**

"Okay," John said, sitting down on the spot Sherlock had made him, right by the headboard, allowing his legs to stretch out. He laughed, smiling at Sherlock. "You're right. This is _so_ much better than that lousy chair."

**-marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!**

"Mm-hmmm." Sherlock said, trying to get his brain to slow down, to stop singing, to stop fighting! "John..."

"Yes, Sherlock?"

"Where...what..."

**Oh, I see we're getting a bit confused now.**

_No, I'm not._

**Yes, you are. Have you figured out why?**

_Because I don't know what to do. _

**Good job! What do you need to do?**

_I don't know!_

"Sherlock?" John said quietly, looking over at him with concern. Sherlock stared back at him with big eyes, searching his face for answers.

_What do I do?!_

**Think about it.**

"Are you okay?" John said, turning him and putting his hands on Sherlock's shoulders.

_I can't! What I think I should do is wrong! What I want to do is nothing I've ever done before!_

**So do it. **

_No! I can't!_

**Yes you can.**

"Sherlock?" John asked again, panic starting to creep up on him.

"John?" Sherlock looked him in the eyes. He took a deep breath and carefully put his hands on John's shoulders. He could feel the soft jumper beneath his fingers, grabbing on to the fabric tighter. "I want-want to-"

"Sherlock? Are you okay? What do you want?"

**Now! Go now!**

_No!_

**Go. Now. **

_NO!_

**NOW!**

Sherlock shut his eyes and pulled John towards him. He felt John stiffen beneath him, but he didn't pull away.

**Kiss him already!**

_No!_

**Why not?!**

_Because I'm...!_

**You're what?!**

_I'm scared!_

Sherlock opened his eyes and leaned his forehead against John's, looking into his clear eyes. "Sherlock?" John asked quietly, starting to trace circles with his thumbs on Sherlock's shoulders. "It's okay." He breathed out.

"No, it's not." Sherlock whispered. "I can't." He leaned forward on John more, touching their noses together, his lips hovering right above his.

_I'm scared._

"I can't do this, John. I can't." He sighed. "I'm...scared. For the first time, I'm-"

**Scared! The famous ****_Sherlock Holmes_**** is ****_scared?!_**

"It's okay." John said, cupping Sherlock's face. He paused, running his fingers along Sherlock's cheeks. "It's good to be scared sometimes." He whispered, closing the distance between them. He softly kissed Sherlock's lips, enjoying this one moment where he could actually _show_ his affection to Sherlock. He felt Sherlock tentatively kiss him back, smiling slightly.

John moved his hands back, wrapping them around Sherlock's neck and twining his fingers in his hair. He sighed happily, loving the feeling of Sherlock's soft lips on his.

**Time to breathe, Sherlock.**

_I don't want to._

**But ****_I_**** would actually like to live.**

Sherlock sighed and pulled back, his fingers nervously twitching on John's shoulders. He smiled, one filled to the brim with adrenaline, his eyes twinkling brightly at John. John smiled back at him, blush covering all of his face.

"Still scared?"

_Always._


End file.
